This is a misconception that
I have come across many times on my spiritual journey.
There seems to be this idea that because I am connected to my heart, the Universe and Spirit that I am somehow exempt from experiencing pain, grief, and suffering.
If anything, I would say to you that my experiences throughout my life have at times been the complete opposite.
There is not a time in my life that I can remember where I was not intuitive, where I was not emphatic to the emotions and feelings of others, or a time when I could not hear or sense the thoughts of others.
This in itself has caused me
a great deal of pain throughout my life.
I have spent a lifetime
trying to make others happy just so that I could ease the feeling of pain in my
body while in their presence.
For the majority of my life I
actually believed that I must have been the cause of their unhappiness or that
others were upset with me personally.
I would often walk away from
a conversation feeling utterly confused because someone would say one thing and
I would feel and hear what they really meant.
Many times I actually
believed that perhaps there was something wrong with me, that I was crazy, and
I would often doubt my intuition therefore my sanity.
I can see now that being a
highly sensitive intuitive person actually heightened my feelings and emotions.
The world around me was
always too loud, being around people was exhausting and further led to my
feelings of not fitting in and increased my sense of not being enough.
From childhood, I not only
felt peoples words, I have always felt the physical energy of the emotions that
were behind the words.
I can promise you, words
really do cut like a knife into the heart.
So what did I do to solve
this very uncomfortable daily experience?
Somewhere along the way I
made the decision that in order for me to live this life I must numb all of my
emotions and avoid pain at any cost.
I started smoking at an
incredibly young age, I made the decision that somehow this protected me from
bullying and from my emotions.
I became addicted to sugar –
sugar made me feel happy and again numbed any feelings of pain.
Food of any kind became my
friend – if I felt sad I ate, If I was angry I ate, if I was bored I ate, if I
was happy I ate, If I was lonely I ate.
Alcohol – when I drank that
numbed the pain and alleviated any feelings of social anxiety.
Later on, as my world fell
apart around me, it became drugs both over the counter and recreational.
Throughout all of this I
continued to follow my spiritual path, yet I had still not fully embraced all
of who I was or discovered the wisdom and insight to trust that it was safe to
feel my emotions.
So I continued to avoid pain
at any cost in any way that I could.
There have been too many dark
nights of the soul in my life to count and still I ran.
The greatest pain that I have
caused myself throughout my life was running away from my spirituality and my
emotions in the hopes of feeling ok in this world.
The last six years have been
a healing journey into my heart and my soul.
In stepping fully into my
spiritual gifts, I released myself from addiction.
In journeying into my heart
through meditation I learned that my emotions were not my enemy and that they
were in fact my salvation.
In surrendering to the love
of the Universe and reconnecting to my higher power I learned that I was
loveable and that I could love myself.
In embracing all aspects of
my spirituality, I stopped running and instead faced all of my fears and
emotions head on with love and compassion.
It was at this time that I
made the conscious decision to fully live this human experience.
Today I feel pain, grief,
suffering and fear more intensely than I ever have at any other time in my
life.
The difference now is that I
am equipped with the tools to lovingly support myself in a healthy way.
I now trust my intuition and
the support of the Universe whole heartedly.
I now no longer run away from
the pain of my emotions and I allow myself to experience them in whatever way
feels right to me.
Being spiritual does not give
me a free pass in feeling and experiencing whatever life brings my way.
It does however provide me
with a deeper understanding of myself and others as well as a higher
perspective as to what my relationship to life is.
I can see now that the beauty
of being human means that we have the capacity to feel emotions.
It is the ability to feel
emotion that provides us with the ability to feel empathy, compassion,
kindness, and love for ourselves and others.
They are gifts from the
Divine and our soul that awaken us as well as raising our levels of
consciousness.
Our emotions, whatever they
may be, are here to teach us how to be a more loving spiritual being of light.
Life’s experiences awakens us
to the light of our true nature should we choose to experience them fully.
Blessings
Kerryn
xxx
