Four weeks ago I kissed and hugged my beautiful dad goodbye for the last time.
Today marks 4 weeks and 1 day since his spirit left this physical realm and I find it very interesting to observe that my body is feeling the same way today as it did then.
My cells have not forgotten the trauma and shock of that day.
My dad was my rock, a constant and steady presence in my life and he was always there for me, he loved and supported me in every way.
The only way I can describe how I am feeling right now is this, I feel as though I have lost my centre, my point of grounding and connection in this physical world.
Considering my dad as my anchor in this life was not something that I had been consciously aware of or acknowledged before now, it just was, an ever-present presence and something I knew and felt intrinsically at a subconscious level.
I feel so blessed that I was lucky enough in this life to have such a beautiful loving dad and at the age of nearly 52 I now find myself fatherless.
This is such a foreign feeling to me and clearly not something I have experienced before and from a subconscious perspective my mind has no reference as to how to navigate this.
I have lost a part of myself and it has left a hole in my solar plexus, it feels like an umbilical cord has been cut, one that I had not been consciously aware of.
Once again I find myself questioning many things.
Who am I as a fatherless version of myself?
What does it mean to truly live?
What is the legacy I wish to leave behind?
What do I want to do with my life?
I am not rushing to find the answers to all of these questions.
Grief is a deeply personal and individual experience.
My experience will not be the same as your experience and much like motherhood there is no guidebook to tell you how to do it.
Right now I am relying on the guidance I am receiving from my heart, my soul, my higher self, my guides and spirit.
My mental mind has had moments of going into extreme overdrive – this in itself has been exhausting.
In the days after my dad passed my old friends anxiety and overwhelm came charging through the door of my heart with a vengeance, they have not yet left my table.
My focus has also been to support my beautiful mum who has just lost her life partner and love of 58 years.
At the moment I feel as though I am moving through yet another stage of growth, transformation and metamorphosis and I am allowing myself the space, the presence, and the compassion to be fully present as this unfolds.
In the past I have had the tendency of pushing through with thoughts and feelings of obligation and duty to others being the driving force – this of course is just my ego wanting me to avoid doing the necessary healing work.
I fully recognise the importance of allowing myself space to now do the necessary healing work.
For me it looks like this:
Daily meditation practice
Moving my body through yoga and walking
Allowing the tears to flow when they arise
Breathing with conscious awareness and intention often throughout the day
Daily self healing – Reiki
Accepting healing from others with deep gratitude
Resting when I feel the need to rest
Nourishing my body with quality foods
Connecting with nature
Being by the ocean
Talking to spirit
Spending time with friends and family
Nurturing my connection with Source consciousness
Nurturing my inner child
Cuddles with my fur babies
I have not been without self judgement throughout these last few weeks, judgement of where I think I should be, how I should be processing it all, how I should be showing up and what I should be doing.
All total bullshit of course and another example of how my ego mind is having a field day with my current situation.
Yes I am a psychic medium, yes I have connected with my dad in Spirt, and while this is a beautiful thing it does not replace the loss of his physical presence in my life, nor does it exempt me from the most important point – I am a human being here to experience being human.
I am so grateful for all of the work I have done in my life up to this point and the tools I have to support me during this time.
The most profound insight I have had thus far is that this is not something to be rushed or pushed through, these are my old patterns of behaviour, to avoid and numb.
I am surrounded by my guides, my guardian angels, the angelic realm, my loved ones in spirit and the presence of the divine and they are all supporting me and guiding me at this time.
My attention has shifted from being “out there” in the collective to being one of internal awareness and focus.
As a result of this it may be a little while before I start tuning into the collective to bring you your weekly energy forecasts, as always I will be led by my heart, my guides and the Universe in this.
It may also be a few weeks or more before I get back into doing my live weekly card readings in my private FB group and on my FB page.
My calendar is open with very limited appointments available until the end of the year.
I trust that spirit will guide those who need the support I can offer to me, not only do they take care of your needs they also take care of mine.
This is the beauty of a loving and benevolent Universe.
There will be days where I will be guided and feel inspired to share something and when I do it will find its way to you.
There has been so much coming to me and when the timing is right I will share this with you.
Thank you for your continued support, kindness and love.